How ‘Golden Bachelorette’ turned into a ‘Golden Bachelor’ coronation

At what point did Joan Vassos’s season of “The Golden Bachelorette” become all about next season’s possible “Golden Bachelor”? That would be Wednesday’s fifth episode of the ABC senior reality dating show (now streaming on Hulu).
The clear setup of a potentially dazzling “Golden Bachelor” future is the only explanation for the machinations during Wednesday’s big game. Why else would the show clear the decks of the best remaining candidates in jaw-dropping, if carefully orchestrated, fashion?
And yet, Vassos, 61, continues her quest to find enduring, golden love. That’s the most important thing we’ll keep telling ourselves in the remaining weeks. Here’s what happened to the “Golden Bachelorette.”
Stop reading if you want to learn Joan’s journey on TV because “Golden Bachelorette” spoilers lie ahead!
What happened last week?’Golden Bachelorette’ judges male strip contest and it got hot
Need a break? Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle.
What do you do with Mark Anderson? The 57-year-old Army veteran and widower became Bachelor Nation famous as the “Hot Dad” when daughter Kelsey brought home future fiancé Joey Graziadei on the last season of “The Bachelor.” So Mark was already a star when he joined the 23 other senior bachelors in the Bachelor Mansion.
And he earns it. The seemingly befuddled subject of internet “thirst trap” videos is great looking, has deep smile lines and furrows his forehead perfectly when he’s listening intently. He speaks endearingly, and often, about Denise, his wife of 18 years who died in 2018. But the season has opened his heart again, he says in one of the many Mark confessionals Wednesday, invariably followed by promos seeking participants for next season’s “Golden Bachelor.”
He’s ready for love. But with Joan? Clearly not. Their yacht date, Mark’s first solo outing, is a fiasco at sea. Joan throws back the sparkling wine amid the awkwardness.
“Did you finish yours?” empty-glassed Joan asks nervously.
“It’s a little sweet,” Mark replies. Wait? Did Mark drop a cheap sparkling wine slam on an ABC-chartered yacht? Cue some poor intern jumping on a dinghy for the “good stuff.”
Maybe its a total vibe thing, maybe someone has an off-camera chat with Joan. But she drops by the Bachelor Mansion to pull Mark out for a heart-to-heart. Mark even gets the better golden light during the gentle and frankly unprecedented breakup talk. Call out to whichever TV exec concocted this extraction. It’s perfect. The reality-TV conscious uncoupling means Mark doesn’t have to go through the indignity of Not Getting a Rose before Hometown Week, where things get really serious for Joan. Instead, he’s a noble free agent.
Both parties come off winning as an emotional Joan says she “doesn’t see an ‘us.'” Mark could protest. He does not.
Even the Golden Bachelorette men are shellshocked when Mark breaks the news he’s just exiting. Only front-runner Chock, 60, the insurance executive from Wichita, Kansas, and no doubt Lawry’s steakhouse platinum card member, has trouble hiding his glee at the removal of the main man obstacle.
Frenchman Pascal, 69, cries to the camera and laments losing his “best friend.” Actually, Mark has many best friends, Pascal. Everyone loves Mark. He’s that guy.
“There’s still love in the world,” Mark says thoughtfully in the back of his exiting SUV as a film score plays. “I’ll find love someday.”
How does next season of “The Golden Bachelor” sound? We’ll surely watch if it does happen.
Just a nautical TV sidenote: ABC should have employed host Jesse Palmer as the sea-outfitted messenger guy with yacht instructions for Mark and Joan. We thought it was Jesse, until it became clear it was some rando yacht staffer. Jesse was underused this episode, and needs his reps to be sharp for the upcoming finale.
But wait, more shockers. How does Jonathan, 61, the coolest shipping consultant from Oakland, Iowa, get denied a rose? We get butterflies looking at his twinkling eyes and male-model good looks, and that’s through the TV. He is very much Mark’s equal, exemplified by the hearty man hug the two share before Mark leaves. But Jonathan comes up roseless before Hometowns?
Joan enacts the executive Bachelor Nation sendoff, walking Jonathan to the SUV. It’s the first time she has implemented that high honor, which says something.
“Maybe my journey is just beginning,” Jonathan muses on his exit ride. Yes, he, too, could rock “Golden Bachelor.” Could Jonathan share the gig with Mark as two “Golden Bachelors”? We’re stopping this folly.
Keith left: A loss, but not a surprise. The 6-foot-5-inch self-described “Girl Dad” from San Jose, California, who’s 62, is a joyful presence and holds his own during a wine vineyard tasting date. If he was ever in the running, that really ended last week when Joan had Keith, a mountain of a man, sit on the ground, prompting him to stammer uncomfortably and sweat profusely. Naturally, they showed that indignity again this week.
Pascal: The group bowling date is his low point. It’s one thing not to know the game, the only national pastime requiring shoe rentals. But for Pascal to turn his Parisian nose up at his free bowling shirt should have earned a stern reprimand rather than a Joan giggle. No doubt Jeff “The Dude” Bridges threw his White Russian at the TV.
Chock: Chock’s getting comically competitive, hogging Joan during bowling and asking wildly inappropriate questions to get deep, fast. “What side of the bed do you sleep on?” Really, Chock? During bowling? Another thrown White Russian. We’d buy insurance from Chock, who can talk a streak. But we’re not so interested in watching Chock on TV.
Jordan: The Chicago sales executive, 61, inexplicably occupies the spot where Jonathan could be standing.
Guy: The ER doctor from Reno, Nevada, 66, made disturbing news last week after the revelation of a 2021 temporary restraining order request brought by his ex-wife. Because his ex dismissed the application and the two reached an understanding, Guy survived the show’s background checks and earns the final rose Wednesday.